Log in

No account? Create an account
glimpses in shadows [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere [Feb. 15th, 2017|07:31 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Location |Hillside, Living room]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |youtube photography videos in background]

So we've made the decision [after years of pondering] to rent an apartment in the Baltimore area [likely not Baltimore proper for a bunch of different reasons (rental costs, water utility costs, need for more green space, concerns about light/noise pollution, etc. just to name a few)]. It's scary in some ways, especially financially, but I think we're making a solid choice. It's not Vancouver, although that's not off the table completely for the future, and figuring out a lot with this smaller move first makes some sense.
We'll keep Hillside House, and come back to visit our loved ones on weekends when they have time to hang out, and maybe can slowly figure out how to repair Hillside House with an eye to renting it out, either as a weekend place or full time. We'll see how that goes. It's not an ideal house in any way...so renting it might be problematic.
But I also have a lot of hope and positive energy regarding the move. There are so many things I'd like to do that this town just doesn't offer.
Downsizing to a small apartment [we can't really afford much large] is a bit terrifying however! But I'm positive in the long run that part will be great for us.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/11653.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

Praying to the light machine [Feb. 8th, 2017|10:08 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[Current Location |Hillside, Mark's study]
[mood |sad/frustrated]
[music |treadmill whirr, Life on Mars]

And so now I'm sick. Which is likely partly my fault for pushing myself too hard Sunday and Monday [oh but it was so good]. If it's what Mark experienced last week, it is mild and will pass super soon, but still be enough to fuck up my plans for this week. Having to cancel things, and my to do list is very sad right now. And with the snow tomorrow, unlikely to make it out to the protest. *grump grump* Though it's quite possible some of my mood issues/energy issues/extra depression was my body fighting this off/becoming sick, which is good to know at least.
Also was reminded yesterday how much I love studying languages, Chinese in particular, but perhaps only because I have a strong foundation in it, and it's full of memories for me. Really need to prioritize such more, if for nothing else than the good mood chemicals.

Edit: 2/15: still not perfect, growl. which means it stayed with me a lot longer than Mark, grr. but...i also did not spend any days in bed the way he did [really could not bring myself to], and in fact did not get a full night's sleep until last night for weeks, so..insomnia likely played a part in my delayed recovery. still never had horrid symptoms, just enough to suck. finally broke down and bought a knock off nyquil yesterday, which while not perfect, might have helped me get that full night's sleep, so....there's that data point at least.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/11402.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

If I can smile a crooked smile [Feb. 6th, 2017|01:19 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Location |Hillside, mark's office]
[mood |bland]
[music |treadmill sound, In a Season of Crime]

primarily for my reference:
going to stop the 14-16 hour fasting program i've been doing the vast majority of days for the last 6+ months [pausing sometimes for travel, or other social stuff]. read an article about wacky hormonal effects in female mice [not enough studies done on intermittent fasting with actual human women (corrected typo from fisting; that's a whole other situation :P mark's away this week, so i get to use his walking desk, and it's lead to more interesting typos, but overall i adore it, and would like one--but all the various bits are not cheap and take up space, so will not be in near future sadly)], and have noticed different things with regards to my hormones. not necessarily bad, and certainly i've been very happy with the fat loss, but going to at least for awhile switch to the eating small amounts throughout the entire day [continuing calorie counting, i tend to plateau without it].
have also been enjoying not having to think about anyone's dietary desires other than my own: protein and fruit for the most part, along with greens. i often am good about not eating whatever thing mark asks for [often pasta or cheese] about once a week, but sometimes i still fail. and definitely last week's lasagna lead me to think both of us are missing the cheese digesting buggies, and need to be doing more probiotics if we desire to still eat it sometimes. likely for the best regardless.

trying to stick to a good schedule while alone in house is not the easiest thing. and it is interesting what things you can easily make yourself do versus what things you let slide. priorities, i have them, but they may not be what i'd like them to be :P

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/11117.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

Coughed and shook his wings, closed his eyes, and moved his lips [Feb. 3rd, 2017|09:58 am]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Location |Hillside Living room]
[mood |anger]
[music |sound of furnace]

I am full of unreasoning anger today. Not sure what is up with it; but making a note for future me's reference. Hormonal cycle has been different for the last few months...
Power was off all night; woke up 645am just before alarm went off; thought nothing of house being 50, as we keep the heat off during the night anyhow, until bathroom light would not switch on. Power not restored until 940 or so [I went to the gym, but had to be home about that time for mark to grab car and go get allergy shot]. Stupidly/focusedly forgot the last half of my pre workout, and so chugged it before leaving gym at 915. The surge of caffeine after I'd already finished working out might contribute to emotions? Or at least the intensity of it?

Ran into Joyce at the gym. they are considering fleeing to Costa Rica...

oooo and i just poured recently boiling tea all over my left hand. fantastic. go go sudocrem burn cream. sigh.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/10942.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

zane, zane, zane/Ouvre le chien [Feb. 1st, 2017|10:11 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |hillside living room]
[mood |still angry]
[music |tea kettle whistling]

just finished deconstructing [after roasting last night] a local chicken for meals this week. washed my hands five times, still feel gross [i did as much as i could with forks and knives, but ultimately had to just use hands to get most meat off bones and skin for stock making]. i for one welcome vat meat. [i love being able to help support local homesteaders by buying their excess chickens. i do not love dealing with whole animals, at all, ugh]


meals will be extra yummy this week though i am sure :P

there has been a small thought brought up by mark of possibly moving to vancouver. it is not a good idea for us financially, or socially, but it's at least some sort of option. sigh. i would likely go back to school and get a degree if i moved to a real city.
i love my people; i am very tired of living somewhere where people feel confident enough about local agreement to spew horrid thoughts however. i did not kill anyone in my doctor's ridiculously tiny waiting room yesterday. i wanted to, which is not good for me on many levels.

and now for a large quantity of tea.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/10689.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

I demand a better future [Jan. 30th, 2017|11:23 am]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |hillside living room]
[mood |very down]
[music |overheard snatches of atmospheric coding music from mark's office; many violins]

--and a better present wouldn't go amiss either.

I had a great weekend, which passed far too quickly, and involved my mostly ignoring the outside world. I then stopped ignoring the outside world, and really wanted to bury my head again. There is nothing intelligent I can add to the outrage. I'm just exhausted, furious, and desolate [and calling my reps, of course].
I also woke up with a sore throat, but after two pots of tea and vitamins, it feels better for the moment.
I keep striking up conversations with various strangers on the internet, getting excited briefly, and then being beaten down again by the what's going on. I still may actually make the effort to meet one I've been chatting with, but I miss the excitement and energy such usually comes with.
Trying to continue to keep everything in my sphere as goodly as I can to make my brain / energy / emotions smoother. Also trying to create more, for similar reasons.
Been making myself post to Instagram more, as in the past it's helped with mood. But I'd stopped when I no longer actively felt like it, and it's such a small drop in a huge well of depression, but habits might be good to keep up on a few levels.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/10350.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

Look for the shafts of light on the road [Jan. 19th, 2017|01:20 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |hillside, living room]
[mood |hope?]
[music |overheard conference calls]

was reading a throw away article the other day, and someone was stating that they felt we should invest in junk food stocks for the foreseeable future, as folks will often turn to horrible for them food when they are depressed/anxious/upset with how things are going.
thought was interesting, as i've had something of the opposite experience in the last few months.
for various reasons i've not been good about getting to the gym [and really need to make a home gym here when we have budget again (the elliptical a friend allows to live here is absolutely finally dead =\ wont even power on)], but i have been actually really good about not grazing/over eating mindlessly. i do not stay within my calorie goals for the day [it's strict-- ~1400 as a base--because my body requires less than 1300 calories to go about a sedentary 24 hours--added to as more than sedentary hours occur--being short and female really gives you a small beginning calorie base, as sad as that is to accept, and my metabolism is set to slow as a default (that can be shifted upwards given proper exercise etc of course, but the default is still where it goes back to when things slow down in one's activity)] many days, but it's mindful, an informed choice, and often not too excessive.
i've also stopping drinking every evening with food as a default. i still have alcohol sometimes, every week even, but it's calculated, not a given, and hopefully not too often a coping mechanism.

and thus i am again at an even lower weight than i've ever been as an adult [it's been a progression, and something i could say for over a year, but the number keeps dropping, so it keeps being even more true, if that makes sense in english]. some of that is lost muscle mass, which i wish to put back on, but not all, and i'm fitting into a lot of clothing i could not fit into previously--and conversely am having to give away a lot of clothing that i used to love, as it no longer fits properly. also a progression, and good for me, even though it's hard at points, as memories are buried in the cloth; but i can always take photos [digital space is basically free to us these days] for the feelings.

and it is interesting, because i absolutely did used to use food as a source of comfort, or a reaction to depression or boredom or lack of excitement for life. and it's great to not be doing that right now, a habit/awareness i hope to maintain for the rest of my life.
i do not really think it's entirely a reaction to all the awful things that are occurring in the world at large, but it's not happening in a vacuum either...so it's hard to pinpoint what leads into it. but it is something i wish to note down for myself.


i notice i've not been Instagramming of late, likely to do with lower energy/depression, and I want to consciously get back to that, as I think it does add to my joy in some ways. If nothing else, it keeps me making photographs, capturing moments, images, a slice of vision that is beauty centric. and people giving likes and comments are a tiny jolt of pleasure, and that's always to the good.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/10110.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

Waiting for something [Jan. 19th, 2017|01:03 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |hillside, living room]
[mood |concerned]
[music |mostly silence]


Instead of a thoroughly depressing to read and write year end letter [or a whitewashed one, i guess, but let's be real, that was never an option for us] I decided to include a couple of small prints from 2016. Mark chose two photos he was happiest with, and I could not narrow it down like that at all--thus he got 130 prints each of the two he liked best, and I got a sampling after almost randomly choosing some from hundreds of my selections. I was amused by how this turned out as I 'organized' them onto a clear shelf, for beginning the personalizing and stuffing tonight, and thought I would share. It really does say a lot about us, on many levels.


getting them printed was actually rather an awful experience in some ways, certainly far more drawn out than i'd expected; much thanks to our friend and neighbor for picking them up for us! *hugs*


Indian food I made last night was not bad, but also not mind blowing, and very randomly put together, so I did not bother to write it up.


Actually got enough sleep last night, after four days of horrid insomnia that made me wish to stab all the things. Funny how that works.


Had been really excited about attending the march this weekend, and now...am not. Not sure where that's coming from. Also trying to figure out if Mark and I are fighting off some sickness, as we've not been feeling great [could be allergies? hard to tell sometimes]. Might be related.


This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/9731.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

I'm so wiped out with things as they are [Jan. 14th, 2017|07:46 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |hillside, living room]
[mood |patient]
[music |Placebo]

Borrowing Ri's infrared electric oven [I'd thought it was a convection oven, which is quite similar to the air fryer concept I'd been looking at, but turns out it's something else entirely]. Tonight I tested it on "fries"--sliced, soaked potatoes, patted dry, with citrus pepper sprinkled on. It took twice the time the instructions claimed, and the result was very odd. Not crispy, and yet the potato was puffed up, with air in between the skin and the flesh. And even given the citrus pepper, completely bland. Tossed it with olive oil and more peppers to make it edible, but that was not heartening.
Then I did some Thai chicken [obviously whenever I say chicken one can sub in tofu, mushrooms, seitan, eggplant & other squashes, anything like that]--breasts cut up into small chunks, mixed with green curry paste, extra minced garlic & ginger, and the last of my dehydrated coconut flakes [unsweetened]. I'd say I need to replace them, but honestly, we've had those kicking about for over 8 years so....maybe not.
With the potatoes, I was still very polite with the new tech, and arranged them on the tray not touching at all. Not so much with the mushy raw chicken bits all glued together with sticky garlic, ginger, curry pastes. I just tossed half of it onto the tray situation. And taking my cue from the potatoes, I added half again as much time to the device.
The results were amazingly delicious--though perhaps that's because you can't go wrong with Thai spices, garlic, ginger, and chicken? But the device did brown bits of it on top, which was yummy and desired, in a way it failed to do for potatoes. Which had longer time. So....maybe its really just meant for meat? Very single use device then...but still fun for the moment.
Yummy food always appreciated.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/9498.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

Is small life so manic [Jan. 13th, 2017|04:44 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |hillside, dining area]
[mood |antsy]
[music |math video in the background]

enchiladas today: 3 days ago soaked beans over night, have been rinsing them in a colander ~every 12 hours or so ever since to encourage sprouting. not every one sprouts, and that's fine. did not can them today, but took what i was going to use and boiled them until extra soft [we like mushy beans in enchiladas sometimes], drained [i save the water for the soil], put aside.
made enchilada sauce by blending [can mix in and simmer if preferred, i just love to blend things] 3 kinds of chiles, some hot paprika, smoked paprika, peppercorns, dash salt, cumin, oregano, basil, dash lemon juice, bit flour, drop of oil, dash of turmeric, and a can of tomato sauce.
browned the ground chicken i am adding to extra protein, then simmered with the beans and ~1/3 the sauce.
preheated oven [not necessary, but our house is cold].
fill corn tortillas with much less mixture than you think should fit [:p i always overstuff wraps], lay in tray open side down, cover with more sauce, cheese (cheap cheese ends mixture ftw), put oven ~350-375 for ~20 mins, take out, add parsley on top, put back for 5 mins.
meh. gonna need to remember to change things up somehow next time. mark liked them, but i have very high standards that they just did not live up to.

This entry was originally posted at http://kailing.dreamwidth.org/9317.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]